The days are long, the years short

It’s been a tough day.

It started tough, with me feeling rotten after too little sleep as usual and fighting some bug that I seem to have had on and off for a couple of months that’s flared up again this week.

Baby Girl E has been difficult. Tired from a bad night’s sleep and not able to catch it up with any decent length nap. Unhappy at being left to play for long but equally unhappy to be held.

Little Miss A has been difficult. Cross with me, I think, for having too much of my attention diverted by her grumpy sister. Tired herself as she’s not been sleeping brilliantly lately. More than a little fed up to be milling around at home, as I have neither the energy or the clean hair required to go out.

Even with me managing to slot in some activity time with both girls – Little Miss A and I made cardboard butterflies with paint, sequins and glitter, for heaven’s sake! – nothing has felt enough. I haven’t felt enough.

I’m in a low mood and questioning everything about my parenting. Feeling like I’m not doing a very good job of being a mum to two. Trying to remember if I ever felt this emotionally drained and squeezed first time round (no, I don’t think I did). Wondering how I can get us out of this loop we seem stuck in, where it all seems so hard all the time.  Feeling very alone and inadequate, as surely everyone else seems to be able to cope better than me.

At 4pm, I was feeling pretty bleak.

Yet, by 7pm, things don’t look quite so bad. It’s kiddie bedtime. It’s Friday. I’ve survived my tough day – and a long week with illness, little sleep, bad weather and no preschool.

I have a wonderful husband who bought chocolate and gave me a pep talk just when I needed it.

I have two beautiful girls who test me to my absolute limits, there’s no doubt of that, but who also give me more joy than I could have imagined before I had them.

A quote I heard recently about having young children springs to mind: “The days are long but the years are short.”

Yes, this was a long day. This was a tough day. I have been feeling this way about too many of my days the last couple of months and I don’t like it.

Somehow, I need to find new ways to accept and deal with the not so good days without letting them swallow me up. Because I don’t want to just be in survival mode all the time, focusing on the long days now and then looking back later wondering what happened to those short, precious years.

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