A dose of normal life

This week has been a struggle. We’ve been trying to get our heads around this strange landscape we find ourselves in.

There is a constant worry that BabyGirl could be seriously affected by this virus; I am scrutinising her physically and her behaviour, looking for signs that something is wrong.

She has had some very unsettled, fussy periods, including one night where she didn’t settle at all between 7pm and 1am, and another night of her awake and grizzly from 3am-6am. Is this normal newborn fussiness, a reaction to the prodding and poking and meds, or a sign that something is seriously wrong?

I have barely been sleeping, so am completely loosing all perspective. I spent a solid two hours crying in the early hours one morning, unable to settle her in her bed, unable even to hold her and cosleep. I have been feeling very alone in hospital at night, dealing with these unsettled periods where I can’t put her down and fearful that it’s a sign the virus is starting to affect her significantly.

The idea of doing this for three weeks has been scary, with me seeing no way of coping with such extreme sleep deprivation and worrying about the knock-on impact on my husband and parents as they all struggle to pick up the slack.

My thoughts are also on ToddlerGirl. My baby absolutely needs me here in hospital with her but my ‘big girl’ isn’t so big after all and needs her mummy too. I’m trying to reassure her when I see her and want to find a way to spend some more time with her. I worry that all this upheaval will affect her sense of security and her behaviour, although I know she has her daddy and grandparents looking after her.

With all of this, I’ve been feeling fairly bleak.

And then, as a little ray of sunshine, we’ve been told we can go out of hospital between treatments in the day. Suddenly things are seeming brighter as we make plans for either me alone or with BabyGirl to visit home in the afternoons.

Today, the husband, ToddlerGirl and I went to the park. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the air smelt fresh. ToddlerGirl giggled in delight as we played. I chased her, twirled her, cuddled her. It was all so much like our normal, every day life that I wanted to cry. But then again everything makes me want to cry when I can count how many hours of sleep I’ve had over the last five days on one hand!

Sitting on the grass, feeling the sun on my face, listening to my girl laughing… It felt good. It was rejuvenating. A dose of normal life to get me through the day, to be repeated daily until we can all be home together, living our normal life all the time once again.




One Comment on “A dose of normal life”

  1. liquoriceuk says:

    I’ve just read your last two posts – what a scary time for you. I spent a lot of time in hospital with my eldest when she was a baby and remember how hard it was when I was able to focus on just her, let alone having another little one to worry about too. So glad that you got a brief dose of normality with your toddler today. Hope your baby keeps doing well and you can all be home together soon. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and sending virtual hugs your way xx

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